Quick-start Guide to Fussy Babies

Through her fourth trimester, my daughter really only liked to be held one way. For the first 8 or 10 weeks, she was not really a fussy baby. She was fairly easy-going, as far as newborns go, but she knew how she liked to be soothed, and when she was fussy, what she liked was a hold we dubbed “The Beppe Chair” (Beppe /’beh-puh/ being the Frisian word for grandma) since my visiting mother is the one who perfected the hold and also taught us the proper technique for a soothed and calm baby girl in those early weeks.

In the Beppe Chair at 3 weeks

In the Beppe Chair at 5 weeks

There are some good reasons the Beppe Chair was so effective as a soothing technique! The high knees and warmed back helped her when she was having tummy troubles, and nearly every article about how to calm a fussy baby recommends bouncing, swaying, or some other kind of motion. With the Beppe Chair, we discovered a simple, easy, effective way to comfort our periodically fussy baby.

What is Normal Fussiness in babies?

On the fussy scale (if such a thing were to formally exist), my daughter was… not that fussy. She was sometimes restless, and occasionally uncomfortable, but she was fairly easily soothed. In comparison, my son, who came along four years before his sister, was much more fussy than my daughter. He was usually grumpy, often squirmy and unhappy, and had stretches most days when our soothing efforts felt futile and he would cry and complain for an hour or more before something seemed to work. Plus, it seemed like he hardly slept! For my son, we would find something that worked, breathe a sigh of relief, and then it would lose its effectiveness, and we’d need to move along to something else. 

This fussy period lasted until he was about 10 or 12 weeks old when he seemed to settle down and he became mostly happy, relaxed, easygoing, and easily entertained! My daughter was fairly easy to soothe from the beginning, and she was much more relaxed overall, but she had lingering fussiness during the witching hours (between 5-9pm) that my son didn’t really have, since he seemed to be pretty grumpy all day long. 

In contrast, my daughter’s fussiness felt manageable, and so I mostly wrote it off as normal. My son’s fussiness was much more challenging. It took a lot of time, energy, and creative thinking to soothe him. And, as first time parents, his unwillingness to be soothed often left us throwing our hands up in the air in exasperation. But even then, although his fussiness was disruptive and challenging, it was still normal.

Does your fussy baby need to see a doctor?

Fussiness that exceeds the “normal” bounds tends to be prolonged, persistent, and may be predictable or not. Maybe you know just why your baby is fussy: they are gassy, constipated, congested, or overtired; or maybe there doesn’t seem to be any discernible reason for it. If your baby is more than just a little fussy and cries, has an arched back, clenched fists, is squirmy, and you have trouble soothing her most days, but you don’t think there is anything medically wrong with your baby, make sure you call in some reinforcements. Get some help from kind and generous friends, family, and neighbors to give you a break. Babies who are pretty fussy can quickly drain your energy and patience, and leave you vulnerable to postpartum mental health issues, but knowing that someone is coming over later to take an hour or two with the baby can be an enormous relief! Set up a few appointments for the upcoming week right now if you have a baby whose fussiness is wearing you out!

But if your baby is extremely fussy? Definitely have a long talk with your pediatrician if your baby seems to cry more than 3 hours per day, more than 3 days per week, for more than 3 weeks. This 3:3:3 timeline is often used to decide whether your baby might suffer from colic - a diagnosis that doesn’t necessarily offer much in the way of insight or solutions, but can be a very tiny bit helpful for you since it usually means your baby is mostly fine except that they cry a lot more than average.

However, if the prolonged, persistent crying is accompanied by other notable symptoms like frequent spitting up verging on vomiting, blood in baby’s stool, very slow weight gain, or other challenges with feeding, a discussion with your pediatrician will likely lead to a medical diagnosis along with a treatment plan you can pursue to hopefully get some relief for you and your fussy baby.

The two most common diagnoses for extremely fussy babies are reflux and food sensitivity (see this article at kellymom.com for a more comprehensive discussion). Some parents find immediate relief from a particular reflux medication while others struggle unsuccessfully with many different medications and approaches to help babies feel comfortable until symptoms seem to lessen and disappear as the baby grows. 

For a food sensitivity, dairy intolerance, (or some other suspected allergy), breastfeeding mothers are often advised to start an elimination diet and avoid all dairy, gluten, soy, nuts, and eggs. This kind of diet is extremely restrictive (and therefore difficult and unpleasant for most families to follow) and must be followed very diligently for at least two weeks in order to confirm or rule out sensitivities in your baby. Talk to your doctor before starting this kind of diet if you think a food sensitivity might be the cause of your baby’s fussing. It’s pretty rare overall, but as the mom, you should listen to your intuition. Your insights to your baby are invaluable when talking to your doctor.

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5 Simple ways to soothe your baby

If you have a normal, fussy baby, the most effective soothing techniques are likely going to be some version of what you’ve been doing naturally, without even thinking. Dr. Harvey Karp’s 5 S’s are an easy way to remember these 5 techniques. In (the unlikely but possible!) case this is the very first time you’ve heard of them, here they are:

• swaddling (wrap the baby up nice and snug)

• swinging (always movement, swaying, bouncing, jiggling)

• shushing (with your voice or a white noise machine)

• side/stomach-lying (in your arms, or on you, but not in the crib to sleep!)

• sucking (while feeding or on a pacifier)

Focusing on each one for ten or fifteen minutes at a time, or putting them together in different combinations should give you and your baby some relief for a little while. Just don’t flip through them too quickly. Calmly stick to the same method for a bit so you don’t stress both of you out.

Even more tips for soothing a fussy baby

On top of the 5 S’s, there are so many other ways that your fussy baby might be soothed. For me, these things usually worked. Maybe some will calm your fussy baby too!

• go outside (sit by an open window, on the porch, take a walk around the block)

• wear that baby (keep your baby closer in a wrap, sling, or buckled carrier)

• take a long warm bath (together, maybe, if your baby likes the bath)

• go for a drive (if your baby likes the car seat and you are not too exhausted)

• make music (play something you love or sing nursery rhymes)

• aim for shorter awake times (for the first 12 weeks, keep awake times under 90 minutes!)

While it is so, so tempting, try to avoid falling into the trap of buying all the things and doing all the things to find THE fix for your fussy baby. There is no magic device that can guarantee anything, and no one has a secret technique that will definitely work for you. Whether that is discouraging or reassuring to you, take a deep breath, and accept the work you have in front of you. It’s up to you to get to know your baby, persist when you are out of ideas, and do what works for the sake of your sanity.

And if you’re just about at the end of your tether with a fussy baby who is not easily soothed, send me a message. Maybe you feel like no one wants to hear one more story about what a rough time you’re having, but you do deserve to be heard and I am here for you. And if you want to work through it together, we can meet for a Day with a Doula. That will give us a whole day of voice texting to exchange ideas, go through all the things you’ve tried, and to make a plan for what’s worth trying next. Please don’t feel like you need to wait it out and see if this stage will pass on its own. When you’re ready, we can’t tackle it together.

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