Must-Haves and Deal-Breakers: Setting Your Birth and Postpartum Priorities
During pregnancy, it can feel like all the choices and preferences you shared with your care providers start to fade into the background in favor of medical advice, more convenient approaches, and the well-meaning recommendations of others. And sometimes you’re ready to give up autonomy in one area in order to aim for your preferred outcome in another.
But it does feel disempowering.
Especially after birth, the parent's recovery can feel like it’s become an afterthought as all the attention and care shifts to the baby.
While it's right and good that the baby, who is 100% dependent on you, gets the care they need, it doesn't mean there's 0% left for you.
Understanding and asserting your non-negotiables for labor and postpartum is such a valuable exercise to get you closer to your ideal postpartum experience, and it will go a long way toward helping you feel empowered and trusted.
Knowing what you want and communicating it clearly can enhance your sense of control, reduce stress, and lead to a more satisfying birth experience.
Let’s explore how you can define and stand by your must-haves and deal-breakers, and what those can even be, during the early postpartum period.
Identifying Your Non-Negotiables
Importance of Personal Boundaries in Childbirth and Postpartum
Setting personal boundaries, or clear preferences, is crucial for maintaining your sense of self and control during childbirth and the postpartum period because these are times of great vulnerability. In a lot of ways, and wisely so, as a pregnant person, we hand a lot of power to our medical team. Especially as first-time parents, we depend on our providers to orient us within our experience and guide us to the best decisions and healthiest outcomes.
The non-negotiables I invite you to consider are the aspects of your birth and postpartum experience that you feel strongly about and are unwilling to compromise on, except in the case of a medical crisis.
Examples of Common Non-Negotiables:
Preferences for pain management during labor
Choice of birth environment (home, hospital, birth center)
Presence of specific support people (partner, doula, family)
Interventions you want or want to avoid (e.g., induction, epidural, episiotomy)
Postpartum care practices (e.g., breastfeeding support, limited visitors)
Communicating with Your Healthcare Team
How to Effectively Communicate Your Needs and Expectations
Communication with your healthcare team is key. Be clear and assertive about your non-negotiables, but also be open to their professional advice. A birth plan is a useful tool to outline your preferences, and it should spark several meaningful discussions with your provider.
Get the Countdown Calendar in your inbox today!
Open communication is crucial; every opportunity to share your worries, preferences, and deal-breakers should inspire trust in your care team. If that's not the case, make time for more communication to ensure you feel safe and looked after during labor and in the weeks that follow.
And while your birth plan might start out as a kind of wish list or a fixed guide for what you want, over time, it should ideally turn into something more flexible. While it's important to have your preferences documented, your plan should also help you prepare for contingencies because some situations may require adjustments for the health and safety of both you and your baby.
Why You Need a Postpartum Plan
Just as important as a birth plan is a postpartum plan. This can serve as a road map for you and your partner, and even others who are looking after you, outlining predetermined boundaries and must-haves for the postpartum period.
It can include strategies for fielding unwanted visitors, ensuring one parent gets to sleep through a feeding every night, or setting up support systems for emotional and physical recovery. While this can be drafted mostly for personal use, a postpartum plan can be shared with healthcare providers if you want.
And just like your birth plan, your postpartum plan might start out as the idealized vision of you and your beautiful, sleeping baby graciously receiving doting visitors and eventually shift into something more clearly outlining the practicalities of day-to-day life with a newborn: who will keep an eye on the laundry pile, how will you make sure each parent gets to eat at least one meal all the way through per day, and when will you call in reinforcements?
Start putting your ideas on paper while you’re still pregnant so that this plan can grow and settle and become the guide book, or the mini-manifesto for this upcoming postpartum experience.
If this is a process you’d like to work through together, just reach out! I’d love to help you solidify your vision and reach your goals.
Communicating Your Must-Haves and Non-Negotiables
Discussing Expectations and Roles with Your Partner
It’s also really important to bring your partner in on this discussion. They can’t help if they don’t know what’s important to you, and likewise, you can’t support their preferences and vision for these early weeks with your baby if they haven’t been able to share that with you.
So make some time to prepare and share your expectations in a way that feels empowering and natural to you. This might mean taking time for individual reflection and drafting what matters to you, followed by setting aside time together to share your thoughts.
For other couples, it might work best to tackle this collaboratively, with each person sharing, adjusting, offering feedback, and coming to mutually agreed-upon boundaries.
During birth and the postpartum period, there's often a real focus on the birthing person's wishes being respected, but it's important for partners to engage in this practice equally. Each of you is undergoing a similar transition into parenthood, and you should each be offered the space and permission to advocate for your own preferences, non-negotiables, and hopes for the birth and immediate postpartum period.
Setting Boundaries with Family and Visitors Postpartum
You’ll also want to communicate your postpartum boundaries with family and visitors early and often. If you anticipate many visitors coming to see the baby, or certain visitors overstaying their welcome, and this is not what you want, make this clear to avoid stress and overwhelm.
And please remember that you can change your mind. Maybe you thought you wanted space but find that you actually need the company and the happy visits more than expected, or perhaps you initially wanted an open-door policy to celebrate the arrival of your long-awaited baby with all, but circumstances changed, and visits now feel stressful.
You are allowed to change your mind and adjust your boundaries as needed.
My Lesson in Shifting Boundaries
When my husband and I were in the final weeks of my pregnancy with our first baby, we didn't know what to expect, but we were determined to manage everything as a team and tackle everything together.
The way this played out in the postpartum period is that as soon as I felt more or less okay after giving birth, I was back to cooking (we had to eat!), laundry (he hadn't yet learned how to work the Japanese machines), and seeing him off to work (bit of a crisis, and my mom was visiting - we were going to be fine!) and so while I felt "fine", I really didn't rest like I maybe should have 🤷♀️
With my second baby, I was ready to see what it might be like to truly hand housework and chores off to someone else, and actually rest for 2 weeks or more. So I communicated my intentions, got everyone else's buy-in, and with their help, I successfully avoided micromanaging all the housekeeping in the early postpartum period.
I also felt “fine” after this second birth, but knowing that I was entirely off the hook for household tasks and nothing further would be asked of me was quite lovely!
Final Words on Honoring your Postpartum Preferences
Knowing and asserting your non-negotiables during labor and postpartum is about reclaiming your autonomy and ensuring that your birth and postpartum experience is as positive and empowering as possible.
By setting clear boundaries, communicating effectively with your healthcare team, and involving your partner in the process, you can create a supportive environment that honors your preferences.
Remember, this is your body, your birth, and your journey into parenthood—make it your own.
Next Steps:
This post draws heavily from one of my lessons in the Prepping for Parenthood course. If you love this content, I encourage you to explore the course for more in-depth information and support.
The Prepping for Parenthood Course:
Comprehensive Modules: The course offers detailed modules covering all aspects of the postpartum period, including physical recovery, emotional support, and newborn care. Whether you're preparing for a surgical birth or a vaginal birth, the course provides valuable information to help you manage your recovery and adjust to life with a newborn.
Expert Guidance: Learn from me, a certified and experienced postpartum doula, about topics like postpartum preparation, newborn care, lactation, and safe infant sleep. My goal is to provide you with the knowledge and confidence you need to navigate this new phase of life.
Flexible Learning: Access the course materials at your own pace, allowing you to revisit important topics as needed. This flexibility ensures that you can fit the course into your busy schedule as a new parent.
By enrolling in Prepping for Parenthood, you'll gain access to a wealth of knowledge and support that can make a significant difference in your postpartum experience.
Share Your Story!
I want to hear from you! Your experiences and insights are valuable, not only to me but also to other new parents who may be reading this post. Here are some ways to engage and connect:
Leave a comment below: What are your must-haves and non-negotiables for labor and postpartum, and how did you communicate them?
Or send me a DM on Instagram to share your boundaries and how you ensured they were respected. Your stories can provide support and comfort to others going through similar experiences ❤️
Join My Community:
Sign up for my newsletter to receive regular updates, encouragements, and support for new parents. The newsletter is filled with practical advice, personal stories, and resources to help you through the fourth trimester and beyond.
Explore More Resources:
Check out my other blog posts on postpartum care, physical recovery, and emotional support. Here are a few you might find helpful:
Learn More About My Postpartum Doula Services:
Interested in personalized support? Learn more about my Day with a Doula and All Access Doula Pass services, which allow you to reach out for one-on-one doula care when you need it most! These services offer tailored support and guidance to help you navigate the challenges of early parenthood with confidence.
Related Posts
Patricia is a steady companion through the transformative journey of new parenthood. With a rich background that weaves through global travels, teaching experiences, and the personal journey of parenting, Patricia brings a unique blend of empathy, understanding, and support to her role as a virtual doula. Her approach is deeply rooted in the belief that every new parent's experience is unique, deserving of personalized guidance and support.
Through her personalized and compassionate postpartum support, Patricia is changing how families experience the Fourth Trimester. She offers both a listening ear and a guiding voice, helping new parents navigate the early stages of parenthood with calm and assurance.
Pregnant and not sure you’re ready for this baby yet? Sign up for Prepping for Postpartum now!