Prepare for Postpartum: Setting Realistic Expectations for the Early Weeks
With my first baby, I had a really healthy and easy pregnancy. My husband and I were in our early 30s, we had good jobs, and many people told us that we were such relaxed people, our baby would be so chill, and we'd be just fine, nothing to worry about 👸🏼
Nevertheless, I read a lot of stories about medically complex situations, difficult labors, and stressful postpartum experiences with babies who didn't sleep or struggled with feeding and so I also felt kind of nervous 😳
I tried not to dwell on those stories too much because secretly, I thought we were going to be fine. My mom was coming to stay with us for the first 6 weeks, and that almost felt too long! Surely, we could handle one chill baby.
But, spoiler: our baby was not chill, and despite my best efforts, he has never become more chill. Even now, well into his elementary education, he's highly observant, super chatty, and ready for anything.
The problem was that because everyone told me they were so sure we'd have a chill baby and we could handle this, I felt like I couldn't tell anyone how much I was struggling because that would prove that I couldn't handle it or that I'd gotten something wrong. The stories I was told hugely affected my postpartum expectations and my ability to reconcile those expectations with my reality.
All these years later, however, I finally understand that this experience is super common among first-time parents.
That’s why in this post, I want to highlight how contrasting media portrayals, societal expectations, and personal experiences shape our postpartum expectations. I’ll also discuss how getting honest about your specific, sometimes private expectations, and expanding these to include realistic outcomes, can help you navigate the early weeks with your newborn more confidently.
Myths and Realities of the Newborn Stage
Contrasting Media Portrayals
Media portrayals of the newborn stage often swing between two extremes. On TV shows and movies, we frequently see scenes of extreme sleep deprivation, frazzled parents, and a sense of chaos that makes the early weeks with a newborn seem overwhelmingly difficult.
Often, this chaos is played for laughs in sitcoms and movies, but in reality, when things do feel so chaotic in the newborn stage, it can take months or even years to emotionally recover from such a high-alert, anxious time. These kinds of depictions can make pregnant people wonder what they were thinking and feed your anxiety about whether you can handle the postpartum period or not.
On the other hand, social media presents quite a different picture. Instagram and Facebook feeds for new parents are often filled with polished, well-lit images of smiling babies, beautifully dressed parents, and picture-perfect outings.
These posts can feed our unrealistic postpartum expectations and pressure to achieve an idealized version of parenthood that isn’t really attainable. Even though we know it's a kind of highlight reel, we still feel the lure to measure up and find a way to share similar photos and videos.
Real-Life Experiences
The reality of the newborn stage often lies somewhere in between these extremes. Every baby is unique, and experiences can vary widely. This is because parents come into the postpartum period with a variety of expectations, levels of support, and access to resources.
Some parents do face significant challenges with sleep deprivation, feeding difficulties, and emotional ups and downs. Others might find that their baby is relatively easy-going and their postpartum period is smoother than expected.
Real-life stories from other parents can provide a more balanced view. For example, my first baby didn't sleep much—fewer than 12 hours in a 24-hour period, often in increments of 1-hour or less, for many, many weeks. This sleep deprivation was difficult, but what was actually worse was that I believed I was failing in this aspect of parenting. The lack of sleep was difficult, but the intensity of my guilt and shame about it was what totally threw me off.
Or how about the mom I knew who was taken by surprise by the sense of isolation she felt after several weeks of baby care all blurred together.
While she was pregnant, she thought she would cherish the time off work, with no obligations or responsibilities outside of baby care, but she discovered structure and routine and connection mattered more to her sense of wellness than she anticipated.
She realized she felt herself sort of spiraling if she didn't make an effort to get out of the house to baby groups and outings where she could socialize on a weekly basis.
So I want to mention that there is real value in articulating what your honest expectations are as you think through your idea of a "normal" postpartum.
Then, in several weeks or months, when you are in the thick of the newborn stage, you can actually compare your day-to-day experience to your expectations and say, "you know, this is not going how I thought it would and it makes me feel [all kinds of ways]."
Exploring Your Own Expectations
Before your baby arrives, it's crucial to take some time to reflect on your own expectations for the postpartum period. What do you think life with a newborn will be like? How much do you believe the stories you've heard or the images you've seen? It's important to get really honest with yourself about these expectations.
Ask yourself:
What do you think your daily routine with a newborn will look like?
How much sleep do you expect to get?
What are your thoughts on feeding, whether breastfeeding, formula feeding, or a combination?
How do you anticipate feeling emotionally during the first few weeks?
Your honest answers can help you uncover any unrealistic expectations you might have absorbed from TV, social media, or even well-meaning friends and family.
But please listen when I say that uncovering expectations does not mean you need to swap out bad expectations for good expectations, or even toss unrealistic ones and insert realistic expectations.
Labeling your expectations as "good" or "bad" is not helpful—they are a product of your culture, your family, your history, and don't mean anything about you as a person or a parent.
It took me a long time to overcome my feelings of failure in those first few months with my baby, but in fact, it all started with acknowledging the truth of my expectations.
Years later, in counseling, I realized I didn't want to admit I thought we'd have an easy time as new parents because it made me look naive, and I didn't want my counselor to think I didn’t know what I was getting into. I knew having a baby wouldn't be easy. But reconciling the gap between my expectations and reality was only possible when I could honestly articulate what those expectations were in the first place.
So do make some time to reflect on your expectations for the postpartum period.
Resetting to Realistic Outcomes
Once you've explored your expectations, the next step is to make room for the most realistic outcomes. This doesn't mean you have to lower your standards, but rather, prepare yourself for a range of possibilities and outcomes. Flexibility is key.
Here are some strategies to help you reset your expectations:
Educate Yourself: Take a course like Prepping for Parenthood, which provides comprehensive insights into the postpartum period. Understanding the physical and emotional changes that occur can help you set more realistic expectations. (this blog post is based on the very first lesson in the course!)
Create a Flexible Plan: While it's important to make a plan, be prepared to adapt. Your baby might have different needs and behaviors than you anticipated. Allow yourself the grace to change your plans as necessary.
Emotional Preparedness: Acknowledge that it's normal to feel a range of emotions, from joy and love to frustration and exhaustion, and for each of these feelings to come and go. Many parents are prepared for mood swings but are still surprised or caught off guard by certain feelings like isolation, self-blame, or even unexpected joy when they find themselves randomly weeping at TV commercials. Make room for these feelings as well and know that it's okay to seek support. Having a support system in place, whether it's family, friends, or a professional, can make a significant difference.
Communicate with Your Partner: Ensure that both you and your partner are on the same page regarding expectations. Discuss what you are anticipating, both practically and emotionally, and how you will feel most supported. Maintain open and honest communication about when expectations and reality collide, as this can contribute to significant feelings of stress and resistance in the postpartum period. Open communication can help prevent misunderstandings and ensure that you both feel supported.
Your Postpartum Expectations Matter
Recognizing and understanding your expectations is a powerful first step in preparing for the postpartum period. It's not about labeling your expectations as good or bad, but about being honest with yourself and acknowledging the truth of your thoughts and feelings. You’re allowed to have them and they don’t have to mean anything about you as a person or a parent.
But just working through this process of self-reflection can help you adjust and reset your expectations to more realistic outcomes later, ultimately leading to a more satisfying and less stressful experience.
Next Steps:
This post draws heavily from one of my lessons in the Prepping for Parenthood course. If you love this content, I encourage you to explore the course for more in-depth information and support.
The Prepping for Parenthood Course:
Comprehensive Modules: The course offers detailed modules covering all aspects of the postpartum period, including physical recovery, emotional support, and newborn care. Whether you're preparing for a surgical birth or a vaginal birth, the course provides valuable information to help you manage your recovery and adjust to life with a newborn.
Expert Guidance: Learn from me, a certified and experienced postpartum doula, about topics like postpartum preparation, newborn care, lactation, and safe infant sleep. My goal is to provide you with the knowledge and confidence you need to navigate this new phase of life.
Flexible Learning: Access the course materials at your own pace, allowing you to revisit important topics as needed. This flexibility ensures that you can fit the course into your busy schedule as a new parent.
By enrolling in Prepping for Parenthood, you'll gain access to a wealth of knowledge and support that can make a significant difference in your postpartum experience.
Share Your Story!
I want to hear from you! Your experiences and insights are valuable, not only to me but also to other new parents who may be reading this post. Here are some ways to engage and connect:
Leave a comment below: What were your expectations for the postpartum period, and how did they compare to your reality?
Or send me a DM on Instagram to share your deep-down honest expectations. You’ll get no judgment from me and maybe voicing your thoughts will help release some of the pressure you’ve put on yourself ❤️
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Explore More Resources:
Check out my other blog posts on postpartum care, physical recovery, and emotional support. Here are a few you might find helpful:
Learn More About My Postpartum Doula Services:
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Patricia is a steady companion through the transformative journey of new parenthood. With a rich background that weaves through global travels, teaching experiences, and the personal journey of parenting, Patricia brings a unique blend of empathy, understanding, and support to her role as a virtual doula. Her approach is deeply rooted in the belief that every new parent's experience is unique, deserving of personalized guidance and support.
Through her personalized and compassionate postpartum support, Patricia is changing how families experience the Fourth Trimester. She offers both a listening ear and a guiding voice, helping new parents navigate the early stages of parenthood with calm and assurance.
Pregnant and not sure you’re ready for this baby yet? Sign up for Prepping for Postpartum now!