Why Virtual Doula Support is Good for your Mental Health and Wellness

Life with a newborn is hard!

Think you're the only mom who hates their life at 1:15am? And 2:30am. And 3:10am. And 4:45am...⠀⠀⠀⠀

The frequent night wakings babies have on and off all through their first year are a real test of endurance, and can do a number on our mental and emotional wellness.

And in the night, there's so often nothing we can do. The baby is struggling because they must be teething, or running a fever, or it’s because they had terrible naps all day, or ... maybe because the moon is full? It feels like there's no one to turn to, and nowhere to run.

You feel like this will never end. And you promise you are never. having. another baby. 

Aahh, dear friend, I have been there.

But hopefully it feels different in the light of day. You don't actually hate your life. It was just a rough night. You know it won't technically last forever even though it sometimes feels that way. And during the day, you can actually access that well of compassion for your baby and for yourself that seems so hard to find in the dark hours of the night.

Hopefully it all feels more manageable during the day.

Having a solid practice of self-care and a regular gratitude habit in place can be a crucial part of that. With my first baby, before I really got it, a long wakeful night like this last one would throw the whole next day into a depressing, frustrating gloom.

But with my second baby, even while my mind feeds me the same familiar lines as 4 years ago ("this is the worst, there goes 2 hours of sleep, as if she needs to eat AGAIN, I'm not going back in there!!" as I go back in there once again...) I have better coping tools.

I let the feelings come. I let the feelings go. And my experience reminds me that the nights feel huge and overwhelming, but only in the night.

How are you coping as a new mom?

And I want to offer the same hopeful perspective to you. But just telling you that it’s going to be fine, and you’ll get through this is not going to do much to help you through this especially rough patch. Instead, here are some actually helpful things you can do to keep those long, frustrating nights from spilling over into your days.

One way to combat the overwhelming negative feelings from a sleepless night is to revisit the positive feelings from all the big and small victories you’ve had as a mom lately. And this is easy to do if you can get into the habit of recording those good things that happened a few times a week.

A gratitude practice works in a similar way. At the beginning or end of every day, list out all the things you are thankful for, all the people who have been helpful or supportive, the delicious food you’ve enjoyed, and the pleasant places you’ve gone that have given you joy. In the age of stay-home orders, that might mean you get more specific about the features of your house or living arrangements you are thankful for, the connections you’ve been able to maintain with the help of the Internet, or even the ability to get certain tasks crossed off the list or the several minutes you got to steal away and simply do nothing.

Once this practice becomes a habit, your mind starts looking for things to add to your List of Wins or gratitude practice, even when you’re not thinking about it, and that really can help keep the long dark nights from taking over your days. This is why I often send reflection prompts at the end of the month to moms who’ve received my Baby On The Way Email series. 

Virtual doula support can help

And if those feelings of despair and anger really are spilling over into the days, maybe it's time to book in for a Day with a Doula with me. You can tell me what’s been going on in the nights so that you can take the weight of those heavy feelings off your shoulders and let me help you unpack them for a while.

I promise I won’t make you feel bad for whatever “bad” habit you’re still using to get your baby to go back to sleep or for losing your temper over something stupid because you’re just. so. tired. You deserve to feel understood and to hear the words, “that sounds really hard!” from someone who’s listened to your whole story, because these are hard times!

When you book a Day with a Doula, you’ll get a chance to share what’s feeling so stressful these days and through our conversation, we might find a way to tweak your baby’s sleep habits for a bit more rest for you both, or else, help you find some extra compassion for yourself. You’ll get a boost of support and reassurance, some fresh perspective and ideas to help you get through these heavy days, any helpful information or resources that might be useful, and ongoing access to a certified Postpartum Doula for the rest of the week.

All these things will work together to shore up your efforts to stay a bit more even-keeled during the busy days when the nights are so long and tiring.

Ready to get some support? I’d love to hear your story and help you work this thing out! It all starts with you picking the next convenient time on my calendar.

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