Postpartum Planning: How not to Hate your Fourth Trimester

In the middle of our first pregnancy, we moved countries from our home in America to a new job in Japan. As a result, we didn't have the same easy access to all the familiar baby things that our friends back home did. But I still worked hard to prepare for the postpartum period. We bought a few big things early on, but then those things got packed up and shipped across the ocean while we kept our fingers crossed they'd arrive at our house on time and in the same condition we'd packed them in.

Then, once we were settled into our new home, I was pretty careful about the amount of baby things we were buying because we didn't have a ton of storage and I didn't want our space to be overflowing with baby supplies. 

And it turned out that the little we had was enough, especially when we were just getting started! So in this blog, I want to help you put the finishing touches on your postpartum plan as you are getting ready to meet your baby. Besides my aspiring-minimalist baby gear guide to prepare your home, I also want to help you to prepare your mind and your body so that you don't hate your fourth trimester. Let’s get into it.

Is the fourth trimester really so hard?

But first, I want to take some time to talk through why planning for your postpartum period is so important. Of course there are things you need to buy before the baby comes, but that’s just scratching the surface. Hopefully, this kind of in-depth prepping for your fourth trimester will allow you a chance to prepare your mind, do what you need to do for your body, and organize your living space so you can welcome your baby home. And that involves more than just acquiring things.

And the most important reason to do this postpartum prep work is because the fourth trimester can feel really, really challenging to new parents.

In some ways, the newborn stage is the easiest part of being a parent. After all, it's a relatively short time in your life when your only goal for your baby is to keep them happy and not crying. It's that simple. Yes, there are a lot of different ways to try to make that happen, but it essentially boils down to keeping your baby fed, clean, and comfy. Not much else is required of you. This is why some people still seem to think that the idea of a maternity leave is unfair. They equate it to a free vacation and completely gloss over the fact that the new parents just birthed a tiny human from their body and have suddenly become entirely responsible for keeping said tiny newborn alive.

And yet, we know the first 12 weeks with a baby are a real challenge for new parents because:

• new moms talk about it. They often share in books, blogs, social media posts, and over coffee just how grueling, exhausting, painful, and stressful these early months of motherhood can be. 

• there’s a lot of advice out there. The Internet is absolutely overflowing with tips and tricks for soothing fussy babies, gassy babies, hungry babies, sleepless babies, and all manner of advice, secrets, and must-dos if you want to enjoy the fourth trimester

• there is a huge market for all the things you can buy to make your life in the newborn stage easier - everything from feeding tools, sleep gadgets, swaddles, carriers, a variety of bottle types, pacifiers in every imaginable shape, furniture, diapering supplies and more. These things are available because new parents struggle, and there's money to be made in solving this problem for parents.

But why does the newborn stage seem so hard for some parents and such a breeze for others?

After all this time as a postpartum doula, it seems to me to be a combination of these three factors.

1. Some newborns are really easy to please. When they cry, it's easy to discover why, and they stop crying when you fix it. They don't have digestive issues, they seem to be relaxed and easy going, and they sleep for an hour or more several times during the day, and for longer and longer night time stretches as the weeks pass by.

Other newborns struggle to adjust to life on the outside. They seem tense, uncomfortable, and fussy. It's not easy to figure out what's bothering them, and what used to work for soothing suddenly stops working so that parents are constantly looking for new ways to help their baby relax, to rest, and enjoy some socializing with the family.

“It’s true that even though the baby is adorable, wanted, and loved, sometimes it's the baby who makes the newborn stage feel so hard.”

2. Other times it's access to resources. Some families might get plenty of leave from work to get to know their babies and share the care of their newborn. Others have partners who return to work within days even as the birthing parent's own return-to-work is just around the corner. Having enough money for baby supplies can also be a real source of stress. Or even if money is not really an issue, maybe there is very little in the way of family support, or access to helpful professionals like doulas, lactation specialists, or newborn care specialists.

This kind of gap in access means parents are often left thinking, "if only we had ... , this would be so much easier."

3.One other crucial factor that can make the newborn stage feel harder is the expectations you have as you're coming into early motherhood. Two different parents can be given the same baby and resources and they will have two different experiences because our own perspective massively influences our perception. And that perspective is a product of our experiences, the stories we've been told, and the preparation we've had.

So a baby who naps for an hour several times a day can seem easy to the parent who has heard short naps and hours of fussing are the norm, and difficult for someone who's only met babies that sleep for 2 hours or more. Their expectations differ. And so for parents, education about what's normal and what's possible is so important. It’s the same for feeding or soothing. Does the amount of time and effort you are spending on your newborn match your expectations? This will affect whether you love or hate the newborn stage.

On top of that, having someone to talk to about your expectations and experiences, someone safe who allows you the time and space to share your thoughts and feelings as they come up can be invaluable. Most parents don't even realize the expectations they had for their postpartum period until their own experience challenges those expectations and results in feelings of frustration, guilt, and disappointment. Who can you turn to for help processing these feelings? A close female relative, a dear friend, or an empathetic doula can do this with you.

What can you do to prepare for the fourth trimester?

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Even though it might feel impossible to prepare for something for which there are so many variables, of course there are things you can do now to prepare to meet your baby! As always, the preparation you do counts even if your plans go sideways. As Louis Pasteur said, "fortune favors the prepared."

Especially if you feel worried that you will hate the newborn stage because  of the sleep deprivation, how much your newborn will need you, or because of the way your body will change, take some time prenatally to prepare your mind, your body, and your home base. And definitely don't buy into the idea that you'll just have to wait and see what kind of baby you have. Every step you take to prepare to meet your baby sets you up for a more easygoing and restful postpartum period.

Here are my top tips for what to prepare prenatally so you don't hate the postpartum period.

How to prepare your mind for the postpartum period

One of the most helpful exercises I've done to prepare to meet my baby was to explore my expectations, my hopes, and my fears about the postpartum period (something I finally did with my counselor before I met my second baby).

With my first, I kind of went with my gut. I read a lot because that seemed helpful, and tried not to dwell on worst-case-scenario type of information. And all the while, I felt pretty strongly that we were going to be fine. "How bad could it be?" was my final thought after every day's reading, researching, and pondering. This was one baby and we were all in good health. How bad could it really be?

In the end, it turned out to be much harder than I was prepared for emotionally. Sure, he was a tense and fussy baby, and it took him ages to sleep through the night so that I could finally rest easy, but that was just one part of it. I wasn't ready for my constant doubts, the ever-present exasperation, my ongoing disbelief at how hard this felt and how bad I was at this mothering work.

I was angry at myself that I hadn't seen this coming, that I couldn't figure things out, and that I wasn't in love with my baby or my whole motherhood experience... like I was supposed to be. And it took me a while to work through my postpartum disappointment.

It was only through exploring these feelings in therapy that I finally saw how much I was holding on to high expectations and unrealistic visions of my postpartum period and these clashed violently with the gritty reality of my first year of motherhood.

But I never would have admitted that I had such optimistic expectations while I was in the thick of things. By the time my second baby came along, I was much more aware of and honest about my feelings, and I had better tools for managing all the small disappointments from how my lived experience didn't match my hopes and dreams for my second postpartum period.

All of our frustration and unhappiness comes from unmet expectations - at the grocery store, with our family, in traffic, with the weather, from our jobs - but with our baby, we have the added pressure to keep those negative thoughts to ourselves.

“There is this unspoken rule that we should absolutely adore our baby and cherish every moment even though we know, rationally, that this is impossible.”

Loving your baby is a given, yes, but it is also normal and healthy if you do not enjoy every moment in their presence, even if it is not socially acceptable to say so yet.

And so, to help you explore your deeply held expectations, hopes, and fears about your baby and the postpartum period, I'd like to give you some journaling prompts from my Prepping for Parenthood Course. Find a few quiet minutes to reflect on these questions and allow yourself the grace to be who you are today:

1. In my family/social circle, most new moms talk about the emotional toll of the early weeks like it's ...

2. Some common advice I've heard about postpartum emotional struggles is ...

3. But, to be honest, I think it'll be ...

4. In the first few weeks with my baby, I expect ...

5. In the first few weeks with my baby, I hope and wish ...

What to prepare for your body:

The best thing you can do to prepare your body for the postpartum period is to do the work prenatally that will give you the time and space to rest and recover in the weeks after you give birth. These next steps will take a bit of work to set up now, but it means you won't have to worry about any of it for at least the first 4 weeks, and you can spend more time lying down or sitting with your baby, which is what you will feel like doing.

First, do some batch meal prep in the weeks before your due date.

My go-to for DIY freezer crockpot meals is The Family Freezer for meals that are easy to make with simple ingredients and that turn out tasty every time. If that's not your style, start meal train online and invite your people to sign up and look after you with food. Another great option is to sign up for a meal kit subscription for your first 8-10 weeks with your baby. Once your baby arrives, you and your partner will have enough to do without having to decide what to eat, grabbing more groceries, and taking the time to cook a meal from start to finish. Future you will thank you!

Secondly, gather supplies for your healing uterus and perineum.

The next time you have a prenatal appointment, talk to your OB/midwife about what kinds of supplies you'll be allowed to take home when you and your baby are discharged from the hospital. Here's what is most helpful to have on hand:

• extra large/overnight versions of your favorite sanitary napkin

• a jar of medicated witch hazel pads (stash in your fridge for maximum relief)

• a sleeping space upstairs and downstairs for naps and lounging

Other optional supplies are high-quality aloe vera gel for DIY padscicles, or herb packets for soothing sitz baths. You'll likely also appreciate having some kind of ointment for your nipples if you're planning to breastfeed. The most commonly recommended kinds use lanolin (you'll probably get to take home a tiny sampler tube from the hospital), but if you're on the crunchy side, you might feel better about using coconut oil, manuka honey, or even your own breast milk to treat itching, dryness, or cracks. 

Thirdly, tackle your to-do list.

If there is anything that really needs to get done before the baby comes, call in all the favors, phone a friend, make it a date, and get it scratched off the list. Even though you feel huge, you're super tired, and sometimes everything hurts. Get those baby clothes washed, folded, and put away. Assemble and stock the changing table. Set up the crib or bassinet. Do the shopping for diapers, wipes, and other supplies. Spend time on hold while you take care of the paperwork. Do as much as you can before the baby comes.

How to prepare your house and baby things:

And then finally, it's time to prep the house and baby things. Even though it is tempting to buy all the things, you can keep this pretty simple and be just fine. I promise!

1. fill your kitchen with easy-to-grab, tasty, mostly healthy snacks. It's important that you get plenty to eat for 3 solid meals and frequent snacks, so make that easy for yourself from the beginning!

2. set up a nursing/feeding station where you can feed your baby and drink lots of water, read a book, watch TV, or scroll on your phone and have burp cloths and nursing supplies at hand. Make it easy to plug in or recharge your devices from your seat.

3. prep your baby's sleep place - their own crib or bassinet in your room if you can manage it, somewhere to nap in the living area maybe, and do a quick read through the Safe Sleep 7 by La Leche League to prep your own bed for safe bedsharing. Most families plan NOT to bedshare, and yet, most families end up bringing baby into their beds at some point (according to La Leche League and a 2002 Ball study from the UK). Find out how to do it safely before you meet your baby.

4. grab some baby basics. It's all too easy to gather an overabundance of supplies so let me reassure you with my aspiring minimalist baby gear list. This is straight from my Prepping for Parenthood course:

• infant car seat

• one baby-holding thing that's not their bed (bouncy seat, swing, etc.)

• 12-15 outfits: mix of short/long sleeved onesies and pants, and sleepers. More is not necessarily better - personally I prefer laundry every other day and being able to fit everything into one dresser.

• 60-75 NB sized diapers for the first week, then decide whether to size up to 1s (or talk to me about cloth diapers!)

• baby wipes (can't have too many! keep a pack on every floor and in every diaper bag)

• baby carrier (wrap, ring sling, buckled carrier)

• burp cloths, bibs, wash cloths for quick clean ups.

• 3-5 big muslin or flannel blankets for swaddling, floor time, wrapping, or changing diapers away from home

• Read: The Happiest Baby on the Block by Harvey Karp, Cribsheet by Emily Oster

Postpartum preparation so you don’t hate your fourth trimester

I hope you'll use this post as you continue planning for your postpartum period so you don't hate your fourth trimester. Make some time to think through the reflection questions, stock your kitchen or get a meal train organized, and stick to the basics as you shop for baby gear. Then come join me in Prepping for Parenthood and allow me to walk you through the final finishing touches before you meet your baby. I can't wait to connect with you!

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